Week Four Book Club

A new King... er, Queen rises!

Week 4 has officially closed out, and it was not without some serious nail-biting across the league. The Leafs and Thankscrivens were neck in neck for the League High, until the Crew declared themselves their new ruler, coming out of left field with a convincing victory. There wouldn't be a half point deciding this week's winner after all... so thanks for ruining that storyline, but congrats on the win!

Matchup Review

Shrew Crew	365.9
Pray for Absolution	326.2

The matchup between the Crew and Absolution was up for grabs early Sunday morning... but with 453 players on the roster for the Crew compared to Abslution's 6, the outcome was never really in doubt. Not only was Absolution sent to confession for the 3rd time this young season, it was the Crew stealing the rest of the League's lunch money, by securing the best score in week 4.

Week 5 preview

The Crew looks defend her fledgling reign of supremacy vs last week's news that is Go Leafs Go All The Way. On the other side, expect Absolution to move to 2-3 vs the lowly Clams with his eyes closed.

Southie Hard	318.2
TheBluePill Errections	301.5

A close matchup between Hard and Errections, with once again biology playing cruel games with the Blue Pills as they limped off with a loss to Southie. The difference in this match was Mats Zuccarello, whom Southie had for a single game vs Toronto, yet still netted over 17 points. The Errections were unfortunate to only have his goalies play 5 of the 8 games they were scheduled to play. He popped 6 pills in week 4 though and still came up short. it may be time to reassess the situation.

Week 5 preview

Southie Hard takes on Dinner, in this week's episode of 'That fa'hkin food cookin' show khed', while the Errections go to Rome to experience their hard marble structures.

N. Prov Quahogs	245
Boston Romans	296.8

The Romans are known for the decadence, and it was on full display as they steamed up some imported Rhode Island Clams to move to .500 with Brent Burns leading the way with over 35 points. Again, it was a theme of Goalies killing their teams; this time for the Quahogs. Jake Allen had a shutout, but that was the only game he started for the Blues... meanwhile Jonas Hiller played in a half of a game, leaving after 4 goals and a Bobby Ryan save... at least Staal showed up.

Week 5 preview

The Qhahogs play host to Absolution, but need to shore up their goaltending, lest they be struck down. The Romans also play the host in week 5, welcoming in failed pharmaceutical product TheBluePills. Expect the empire to expand to 3-2.

Raptor Bangers	325.7
Thankscrivens Dinner	351

Fratricide was the theme of the week for the Bangers and Dinner, as the estranged brothers went head to head in week 4. Dinner was served, but it was a Raptor Bangers main course on Thankscrivens Day. Thankscrivens almost snuck away with the second best score of the week, losing to Go Leafs Go by mere third of a point. The Bangers once again employed their Goaltending by committee strategy but it didn't pay off as neither Hutchinson nor Raanta played a single game.

Week 5 preview

Thankscrivens visits Southie, and hopes to teach them some manners and the meaning of giving thanks, while the Bangers hope wearing Mullets will be enough to move them back into the winning column.

Go Leafs Go All The Way	351.3
Return of the Mullet	283.7

In the league's least exciting, and most predictable matchup of the week, the Leafs said 'No!' to Mullets to continue their undefeated streak to 4-0, and bringing the Mullets back to an even Business / Party balance of 2-2. The Mullets had the misfortune of Luongo playing in just a single game, and Tavares hitting the Day-to-Day list, totaling 12 whole points between them. The Leafs continue to roll, which can only be said in a Fantasy League environment without ridicule.

Week 5 preview

In a battle of the Titans, the Leafs travel to Shrew in hopes to reclaim their Weekly Winner banner and continue their undefeated season, while The Mullets visit Prehistoric Town in hopes of burying the Dinos.

Congratulations

The King is dead! Go Leafs Go All The Way didn't land a single weekly award in Week 4, which has been checked and rechecked. Can this be? Is this the end for the Leafs? Have they been raked? No, they're still all over my fucking yard, and this is surely an aberration. Congratulations to all of our winners this week! It should be noted that Thankscrivens edged out Bangers for Best Goalie by 0.2 points.

Award	Team	Reason
Winner of the Week	Shrew Crew	League High 365.9 points.
Goaltender of the Week	Thankscrivens Dinner	Tuukka Rask 30.5 points.
Forward of the Week	TheBluePill Errections	Brad Marchand (Marshmont) 36.6 points.
Defenseman of the Week	Boston Romans	Brent Burns 35.1 points.
Just the Worst	N. Prov Quahogs	League Low 245 points.

Week 3 Book Titled "Slacking" Published

Week 3... a lot like Weeks 2 and 1...

This wraps up week 3, albeit almost an entire week later and there's more of the same! Southie Hard managed to wrangle away a complete reward sweep from Go Leafs Go All The Way, and our winners continue to win, and losers continue to lose. Although one loser managed to climb their way out of the pits in an epic battle of the goose eggs. Who was that winning loser? Read on to find out.

Matchup Review

TheBluePill Errections	292.8
N. Prov Quahogs	246.6

Because it is impossible for both teams facing each other to lose, a fateful flip of the coin chose the Blue Pills to 'win' their first game. Popping 4 of the Blue Pills in moves for the week, the Errections didn't lose a single daily matchup vs the Clams. Hurricanes Captain Eric Stall was a complete nonfactor in the NHL, going 3 games without a single point, but was pivotal in Quahog's 3rd loss in a row. Fans continue to hope there is a pearl in these clams.

Southie Hard	328.6
Raptor Bangers	338.1

Southie and the Bangers had the closest matchup of the week, with the spread being less than 10 points. It was a slugfest throughout the week, with each seeming to win or lose the next daily matchup. If not for the insane strategy of "Goaltending By Committee" implemented by the Bangers (who had SIX goalies play), this week could have belonged to Southie Hard. Tough luck, khed. Pissah.

Pray for Absolution	327.8
Return of the Mullet	251.6

Absolution returned the Mullet back down to Earth, with a smokeshow victory, despite his Goaltending doing their best to imitate the AHL, with an average of 12 points between them. No one knows what happened to the Mullet on Friday and Saturday, typically the biggest scoring days, where he totaled 81 whole points... Absolution had more on the Saturday alone. May be time to consider a new hairstyle.

Boston Romans	339
Shrew Crew	317

One of the league's under-performing teams was able to topple one of the best, with the Romans' democratic ways voting the Crew out of the winning column. The Crew had a great week from Crawford, but with their only other goalie delivering 7.5 points, it may be time to consider the Bangers' "All goalies, all the time" strategy. The Romans' trio of Nash, Ovechkin and Crosby scored big, with the Crew's biggest performers being all Canadiens. That should be an automatic -15 point deduction. 50 DKP Minus.

Thankscrivens Dinner	277.1
Go Leafs Go All The Way	357.7

It's week three, and I've considered just copying and pasting either of the past week's summary of Go Leaf's deconstruction of Southie Hard or the Raptor Bangers... but that would just be lazy, especially since this week had their biggest margin of victory over National Food Holiday. The Go All The Way's GM is so confident in their team, they were one of the only teams with zero moves; and why fix what ain't broke? Thankscrivens Dinner was pounding his chest with extreme authority, sporting 7.6 to 2.8 lead after Monday's daily matchup... nearly tripling the Leaf's score. Unfortunately it was not to be, as there are 7 days in a matchup which left 6 more days for Thankscrivens to get stuffed and carved.

Congratulations

The main congratulations here are for Southie Hard, who was the second team in two weeks to deny Go Leafs Go All The Way from a clean sweep of the rewards, stealing the Best Defenseman medal. Cherish it.

Award	Team	Reason
Winner of the Week	Go Leafs Go All The Way	Why else? Led league with 357.7 points.
Goaltender of the Week	Go Leafs Go All The Way	Carey Price with 35.9 points.
Forward of the Week	Go Leafs Go All The Way	Evgeny Kuznetsov with 39.3 points.
Defenseman of the Week	Southie Hard	Andrei Markov with 35.3 points.
Just the Worst	N. Prov Quahogs	League Low 246.6 points.

Week 2 Published In Books. They're In There... READ

Four Teams Made Of Garbage

Week two is over, but the losing continues for Absolution, Blue Pills, Clams and Ancient Rome. Week three hosts a battle of titans and trashiest, with the undefeated Dinners and Leafs going head to head. Will the Scrivens rake the Leafs, or be stuffed by them? Also, who will be recycled and receive their first win between the Pills and Clams? Only 7 days will tell! Now, to recap Week 2.

Matchup Review

Raptor Bangers	381.2
TheBluePill Errections	319.7

With Phil Kessel being a complete and utter disappointment, it was the Bangers' binky (James Neal) to the rescue. The Bangers also wisened up, and picked up more than half a goalie, and racked up over 70 points in the process. Krejci is the only player to show up for the Errections, and with him being a Boston Bruin, that should be all you need to know. The Errections fall to 0-2 while the Bangers taste .500.

Shrew Crew	397.2
N. Prov Quahogs	297.7

The Shrew Crew practiced the 'No Mercy' rule, as she steamed the Clams by almost 100 points. The Pink Pearls drop to 0-2 and have a date with Erectile Dysfunction Destiny in Week 3 to see who will climb out of the pits. The crew had significantly balanced scoring, but should consider kicking Varlamov to the curb... but not in a domestic violence sort of way.

Go Leafs Go All The Way	417.3
Southie Hard	387.5

Southie was brought back down to Earth... Hard, by the rampaging GO LEAFS GO ALL THE WAY... whose name is like an exercise in Typing 101. The Leafs' goaltending was superb, posting 107 points, despite Bobrovsky, who is reckless, and off the force. Southie had several players in the high 30's, which would normally translate in an automatic win. Unfortunately, this week he was up against the Leafs' juggernaut. Who will be our David to Go All The Way's Goliath?

Return of the Mullet	360.7
Boston Romans	273.8

In the very definition of 'Friendicide', the Mullets were all business in dismantling the Romans, partying on their sandaled corpses. Crosby is still in the backroom, fondling Kessel and giggling while everyone else is playing hockey, and it's costing the Romans. Sedin and Gaborik are also MIA. The Mullets decided to completely forgo goaltending, and still pulled out the big W.

Pray for Absolution	312.8
Thankscrivens Dinner	346.7

In our final matchup of week 2, Absolution failed to say grace before Thankscrivens Dinner and was thoroughly basted, tenderized and viciously consumed. Tyson Barrie is an asshole, and Duncan Keith is out with a torn meniscus. The Dinner needed 5 goalies to outduel Absolution, but it wasn't hard with Lundqvist and Bishop laying eggs. So many eggs. So much Dinner. Dion Phaneuf also discovered opposite week, and sucked on one of those eggs. Thankscrivens has a tough test in week 3, so he should bask in this win as long as possible.

Congratulations

The following section should just read, "Go Leafs Go All The Way's weekly accomplishments."

Award	Team	Reason
Winner of the Week	Go Leafs Go All The Way	The Leafs' pimp hand is red hot, and smacked the league for 417.3 points.
Goaltender of the Week	Go Leafs Go All The Way	Carey Price's 38.9 points
Forward of the Week	Go Leafs Go All The Way	Tyler Seguin's 41.4 points. deju vu?
Defenseman of the Week	N. Prov Quahogs	Roman Josi's 35.8 points. The Clams bust the flush.
Just the Worst	Boston Romans	League Low 273.8 points

Week One In The Books

50% Losers

Week one is over, and as Nostrodamus boldly predicted, HALF of the teams in the league lost last week. Abysmal, weak-ass league. A silver lining is the other half of the teams won. So that's good. Let's hope this trend does not continue. I hope all teams win next week! Good luck! Positive thoughts! Anyway, let's wrap up week 1!

Matchup Review

Raptor Bangers	216.4
Go Leafs Go All The Way	258.3

The Canadian Crew made short work of the Fossils, being outscored in only 1 of the week's matchups. Winning 3 out of the 4 days with points registered will definitely do that. The Leafs managed 62.9 of their points from goaltending, where the Bangers made up less than half of that. Also, after registering Patrick Kane has since been banned from the league.

N. Prov Quahogs	221
Return of the Mullet	251

The League's other Darren pulled out the second highest score of the week with his own clam bake of Rhode Island's sandiest. The Mullet created distance for two days following Quaghog's early run, and it was a slugfest the rest of the way with the last 2 games being within 3 points of each other. The Clams' Jeff Skinner, Tyler Bozak and Clarke MacArthur were major disappointments.

Southie Hard	244
Pray for Absolution	239.3

Prayers continue to fall on deaf ears for Absolution, further proving God is a construct of a weak human mind, as he was barely edged out by newcomer Southie Hard. The Dirty South even pulled out a crafty veteran move, by dumping the toilet that is Tanner Pearson, and picking up Urinal Alexander Semin. Semin only picked up 1.5 points, and ultimately was a non-factor in the decision, but the message was clear: Southie is playing for Keep(er)s

TheBluePill Errections	174.9
Shrew Crew	218.6

Rated highly in the draft, the Shrewd Shrew Crew was fortunate enough to play the DCKS, who was only one of two teams to not break 200 points. Luckily for the crew, and the Blue Pill's Pride, a win is a win, and a loss is a loss. Even if one of those losses also includes a Banner Trophy that says "Just The Worst" on it. I blame JQuick, personally.

Boston Romans	197.5
Thankscrivens Dinner	217.2

Week one mercifully ends with a matchup of the two lowliest teams in the Roman Dinner. This Thankscrivens was served up with a lot of Greek, as they pulled out tight win over the avatar-less Boston Romans. Sidney Crosby laid an egg and Ovechkin only had a single game during the week, and Rome fell. As for Thankscrivens, Tuukka Rask... Boston Bruins... ugh.

Congratulations

It's award time, so let's see who stood out (and who wishes they could hide) for week 1.

Award	Team	Reason
Winner of the Week	Go Leafs Go All The Way	Posted league high 258.3 points.
Goaltender of the Week	Pray for Absolution	Henrik Lundqvist's 32 points.
Forward of the Week	Go Leafs Go All The Way	Patrick Kane's 35.5 points.
Defenseman of the Week	Thankscrivens Dinner	Dion Phaneuf's 24.4 points.
Just the Worst	TheBluePill Errections	Posted league low 174.9 points.

At The Edge Of Official Winter

The Season... Begins!

Tonight marks the opening night of the 2015-2016 NHL Season, and Don't Fear The Keepers League is off and running! At the time of this publication, The North Providence Quahogs is far and away the leader of the league with over 35 points, with the Bangers waiting until tomorrow to care.

Most Teams have given their $20 to be eligible for the Prize Pool at the end of the year, but the commissioner is still waiting on a few stragglers. Please contact him as soon as possible.

And with that said, here's a quick review of the Draft that was held this past Sunday! Good luck to all the GM's this year!

Draft Roundup

Raptor Bangers

During a live blog of the draft, the GM for the Raptor Bangers was adamant that good goaltending is overrated; a vestigial artifact of soft bitches. He went on to put a convincing stamp on his point, by drafting The Flower & Frederiks of Hollywood Andersen, while staring unblinkingly into this blogger's eyes...

Unnerving...

... but second only to the guaranteed devastation that his pick of Phil The Thrill is going to bring to the rest of the league with his new team in Pittsburgh. Playing on a line with Crosby and Kunitz, Phil should be the only reason the Bangers will be in contention.

Verdict: C

Extra: Secured his binky in the 10th round, wrapping his James Neal around himself with a desperate sigh of relief.

Thankscrivens Dinner

Born on Opposite Day, the Bangers' younger brother and GM of Thankscrivens Dinner secured himself two top goaltenders in the 3rd & 4th rounds with Pekke Rinne & Tuukka Rask. It was reported the GM could be heard muttering "2 goalies with 2 K's is 2 Dubs".

Still, he did pick up Patrice Bergeron in the 6th round... and with no Scoring Categories for "Good looks", "Charm" or "Doing all the 'little things' well", it'll be interesting to see how he's utilized within the lineup.

Verdict: B-

Extra: May be the first team to qualify for AARP with Jagry, Iginla and Richards. At least he'll be guaranteed a lot of discounts.

Pray for Absolution

After a great start and a disappointing finish last season, Absolution spent the offseason praying. Unfortunately since God hates him, he's stuck with the aging and oft-injured Zetterberg and an uncompromising 'need' for balance. That so-called balance, though, will be Absolution's undoing... as reality dictates defensemen in this league are actually as useless as Bangers thinks goalies are.

His saving grace may be his tremendous goaltending lineup, in Lundqvist, Bishop, Talbot and Mrazek... No one bother reaching for the weekly goalie medals, Absolution will have them on lockdown.

Verdict: C-

Extra: After much bitching and moaning, hopped on the Pasta Sauce Train. Expect the bitching and moaning to continue.

Boston Romans

The Romans of Boston will look to continue their Crosby + Ovechkin reign of terror, but the rest of their scoring drops off from there. Selecting only two goalies was a major mistake, as well as was his reliance on the Black Magic ESPN Auto Draft System.

Verdict: C-
Auto Draft Verdict: A+

Extra: TCHOOOMMASSS VAAAANEEECK!

The Blue Pill Errections

The GM for the Blue Pill Errections was solid, firm and strong in the first 5 rounds. Luckily did not need to consult a physician for an 'Errection' lasting more than 5 rounds, going limp in the following 17. At least he picked up 3 goalies, even if Jimmy Howard is one of them. Let's hope J-Quick can pick up the slack.

Verdict: C

Extra: Took a Bruin that wasn't Tuukka Rask before the 10th round, effectively throwing that pick into the trash, setting it on fire and dousing it with urine. Black & Gold forever.

Go Leafs Go All The Way

Firmly securing the title for longest team name, the GM duo of Go Leafs Go All The way proved two heads are better than one with their bold selection of 4 goaltenders which should net them plenty of goalie points night to night. Their decision to select no extra defenseman is a head-scratcher, however... which may handicap their ability to field (ice?) a full roster on any given night.

Verdict: B

Extra: By selecting no actual Maple Leaf players, they've all but solidified a non-last place finish.

Return of the Mullet

The GM for Return of the Mullet had a distinctly unconventional method drafting, as only players on IR would do. A bold move by all accounts, although only time will ultimately tell if such a strange strategy pays any dividends... Experts say 6-8 weeks...

Verdict: C+

Extra: Is the name 'Return of the Mullet' foreshadowing a blockbuster trade with Thankscrivens Dinner? Rumors are swirling around Steve Mason being on the block.

North Providence Quahogs

The Rhode Island Clams are under investigation for somehow taking Patrick Sharp so late - in the 7th round - who will be on a line with Jamie Benn & Tyler Seguin in Dallas. Of course, he tried to throw off suspicion of 'fixed draft' with his Vancouver and Calgary goalie selections. I'm not even sure the Bangers would agree with that.

Verdict: D+

Extra: One of his Keepers is a Maple Leaf... how great is that? Also, Jake Allen should guarantee 35 whole starts, because St. Louis.

Southie Hard

The League's rookie GM took a calculated risk, selecting Connor McDavid in the 2nd round who's playing in Edmonton, where 1st overall picks go to die. One can almost guarantee TSN is bookmarked multiple times in his Internet Explorer. The Hard South also played the 3rd and 4th rounds brilliantly... at least in principal, by selecting 2 goalies early. It's just too bad one of those goalies is Devan Dubnyk.

Verdict: D

Extra: Welcome to your nightmare.

Shrew Crew

Our returning GM for the Shrew Crew (and only GM without a Y chromosome) used her first 3 picks wisely by picking up Pavelski, Perry and Patches... The Triple P's. Tripples. Hmmm, I got nothin'. Unfortunately for this blogger, the Shrew Crew was shrewd in their picks, putting together a nicely balanced team which makes being punny difficult.

Verdict: B

Extra: Shrewd Shrew Crew Picks Patches, Pavelski and Perry.

It's Getting Drafty in Here!

Welcome to the 2015-2016 Keeper's League

Hello there fellow Don't Fear The Keepers! The start of the 2015-2016 NHL Season is nearly upon us, which means so is another season of ESPN Keeper Fantasy Hockey! Hooray! The most neglected fantasy sport on their entire site! That's how we roll, our masochism and self-depravity knows no bounds!

The draft is Sunday, October 5th @ 9pm!

Headlines

A Champion is Crowned

Go Leafs Go All The Way made up for the actual Maple Leafs going nowhere absolutely nowhere, with the league Championship as they barely edged out the North Providence Quahogs with a final score of 363.6 to 354.3.

Congrats to our League Champ, and a moment of silence for our runner up...

Leavers and Joiners

Bye!

There have been some changes to the League's teams this year, as Don't Fear the Keeper is doing its best to challenge the NFL and their constantly re-locating California teams by bidding Fare-Thee-Well to the Okinawa Greenleafs and I Getzlaf on Goals. Good riddance, as we spit in their general direction.

Oh, Herrroo!

In order to cleanse our collective palates from the disgraced teams who forced their ways out, we welcome Southie Hard and the Shrew Crew into the fold! This is Southie Hard's first year with us, and Shrew Crew returns after a year-long hiatus complete with lost keepers. Best of luck!

Oooh! Shiny!

This year heralds the introduction of weekly, and end-of-year awards! We already had the Keepers Cup, but I had noticed there's a fun 'scoreboard' for Trophy Leaders, which is located here.

Here is a current lineup and breakdown of awards:

• End of Year
• Keepers Championship Cup - Good - 5 Stars
• Second Place - Good - 4 Stars
• Third Place - Good - 3 Stars
• Weekly
• Forward of the Week - Good - 1 Star
• Defenseman of the Week - Good - 1 Star 
• Goaltender of the Week - Good  - 1 Star
• Winner of the Week - Good - 2 Stars
• Just the Worst - Bad - 1 Star 

Click here to see a the list of Awards, and their descriptions.