At The Edge Of Official Winter

The Season... Begins!

Tonight marks the opening night of the 2015-2016 NHL Season, and Don't Fear The Keepers League is off and running! At the time of this publication, The North Providence Quahogs is far and away the leader of the league with over 35 points, with the Bangers waiting until tomorrow to care.

Most Teams have given their $20 to be eligible for the Prize Pool at the end of the year, but the commissioner is still waiting on a few stragglers. Please contact him as soon as possible.

And with that said, here's a quick review of the Draft that was held this past Sunday! Good luck to all the GM's this year!

Draft Roundup

Raptor Bangers

During a live blog of the draft, the GM for the Raptor Bangers was adamant that good goaltending is overrated; a vestigial artifact of soft bitches. He went on to put a convincing stamp on his point, by drafting The Flower & Frederiks of Hollywood Andersen, while staring unblinkingly into this blogger's eyes...

Unnerving...

... but second only to the guaranteed devastation that his pick of Phil The Thrill is going to bring to the rest of the league with his new team in Pittsburgh. Playing on a line with Crosby and Kunitz, Phil should be the only reason the Bangers will be in contention.

Verdict: C

Extra: Secured his binky in the 10th round, wrapping his James Neal around himself with a desperate sigh of relief.

Thankscrivens Dinner

Born on Opposite Day, the Bangers' younger brother and GM of Thankscrivens Dinner secured himself two top goaltenders in the 3rd & 4th rounds with Pekke Rinne & Tuukka Rask. It was reported the GM could be heard muttering "2 goalies with 2 K's is 2 Dubs".

Still, he did pick up Patrice Bergeron in the 6th round... and with no Scoring Categories for "Good looks", "Charm" or "Doing all the 'little things' well", it'll be interesting to see how he's utilized within the lineup.

Verdict: B-

Extra: May be the first team to qualify for AARP with Jagry, Iginla and Richards. At least he'll be guaranteed a lot of discounts.

Pray for Absolution

After a great start and a disappointing finish last season, Absolution spent the offseason praying. Unfortunately since God hates him, he's stuck with the aging and oft-injured Zetterberg and an uncompromising 'need' for balance. That so-called balance, though, will be Absolution's undoing... as reality dictates defensemen in this league are actually as useless as Bangers thinks goalies are.

His saving grace may be his tremendous goaltending lineup, in Lundqvist, Bishop, Talbot and Mrazek... No one bother reaching for the weekly goalie medals, Absolution will have them on lockdown.

Verdict: C-

Extra: After much bitching and moaning, hopped on the Pasta Sauce Train. Expect the bitching and moaning to continue.

Boston Romans

The Romans of Boston will look to continue their Crosby + Ovechkin reign of terror, but the rest of their scoring drops off from there. Selecting only two goalies was a major mistake, as well as was his reliance on the Black Magic ESPN Auto Draft System.

Verdict: C-
Auto Draft Verdict: A+

Extra: TCHOOOMMASSS VAAAANEEECK!

The Blue Pill Errections

The GM for the Blue Pill Errections was solid, firm and strong in the first 5 rounds. Luckily did not need to consult a physician for an 'Errection' lasting more than 5 rounds, going limp in the following 17. At least he picked up 3 goalies, even if Jimmy Howard is one of them. Let's hope J-Quick can pick up the slack.

Verdict: C

Extra: Took a Bruin that wasn't Tuukka Rask before the 10th round, effectively throwing that pick into the trash, setting it on fire and dousing it with urine. Black & Gold forever.

Go Leafs Go All The Way

Firmly securing the title for longest team name, the GM duo of Go Leafs Go All The way proved two heads are better than one with their bold selection of 4 goaltenders which should net them plenty of goalie points night to night. Their decision to select no extra defenseman is a head-scratcher, however... which may handicap their ability to field (ice?) a full roster on any given night.

Verdict: B

Extra: By selecting no actual Maple Leaf players, they've all but solidified a non-last place finish.

Return of the Mullet

The GM for Return of the Mullet had a distinctly unconventional method drafting, as only players on IR would do. A bold move by all accounts, although only time will ultimately tell if such a strange strategy pays any dividends... Experts say 6-8 weeks...

Verdict: C+

Extra: Is the name 'Return of the Mullet' foreshadowing a blockbuster trade with Thankscrivens Dinner? Rumors are swirling around Steve Mason being on the block.

North Providence Quahogs

The Rhode Island Clams are under investigation for somehow taking Patrick Sharp so late - in the 7th round - who will be on a line with Jamie Benn & Tyler Seguin in Dallas. Of course, he tried to throw off suspicion of 'fixed draft' with his Vancouver and Calgary goalie selections. I'm not even sure the Bangers would agree with that.

Verdict: D+

Extra: One of his Keepers is a Maple Leaf... how great is that? Also, Jake Allen should guarantee 35 whole starts, because St. Louis.

Southie Hard

The League's rookie GM took a calculated risk, selecting Connor McDavid in the 2nd round who's playing in Edmonton, where 1st overall picks go to die. One can almost guarantee TSN is bookmarked multiple times in his Internet Explorer. The Hard South also played the 3rd and 4th rounds brilliantly... at least in principal, by selecting 2 goalies early. It's just too bad one of those goalies is Devan Dubnyk.

Verdict: D

Extra: Welcome to your nightmare.

Shrew Crew

Our returning GM for the Shrew Crew (and only GM without a Y chromosome) used her first 3 picks wisely by picking up Pavelski, Perry and Patches... The Triple P's. Tripples. Hmmm, I got nothin'. Unfortunately for this blogger, the Shrew Crew was shrewd in their picks, putting together a nicely balanced team which makes being punny difficult.

Verdict: B

Extra: Shrewd Shrew Crew Picks Patches, Pavelski and Perry.