Week One In The Books

50% Losers

Week one is over, and as Nostrodamus boldly predicted, HALF of the teams in the league lost last week. Abysmal, weak-ass league. A silver lining is the other half of the teams won. So that's good. Let's hope this trend does not continue. I hope all teams win next week! Good luck! Positive thoughts! Anyway, let's wrap up week 1!

Matchup Review

Raptor Bangers	216.4
Go Leafs Go All The Way	258.3

The Canadian Crew made short work of the Fossils, being outscored in only 1 of the week's matchups. Winning 3 out of the 4 days with points registered will definitely do that. The Leafs managed 62.9 of their points from goaltending, where the Bangers made up less than half of that. Also, after registering Patrick Kane has since been banned from the league.

N. Prov Quahogs	221
Return of the Mullet	251

The League's other Darren pulled out the second highest score of the week with his own clam bake of Rhode Island's sandiest. The Mullet created distance for two days following Quaghog's early run, and it was a slugfest the rest of the way with the last 2 games being within 3 points of each other. The Clams' Jeff Skinner, Tyler Bozak and Clarke MacArthur were major disappointments.

Southie Hard	244
Pray for Absolution	239.3

Prayers continue to fall on deaf ears for Absolution, further proving God is a construct of a weak human mind, as he was barely edged out by newcomer Southie Hard. The Dirty South even pulled out a crafty veteran move, by dumping the toilet that is Tanner Pearson, and picking up Urinal Alexander Semin. Semin only picked up 1.5 points, and ultimately was a non-factor in the decision, but the message was clear: Southie is playing for Keep(er)s

TheBluePill Errections	174.9
Shrew Crew	218.6

Rated highly in the draft, the Shrewd Shrew Crew was fortunate enough to play the DCKS, who was only one of two teams to not break 200 points. Luckily for the crew, and the Blue Pill's Pride, a win is a win, and a loss is a loss. Even if one of those losses also includes a Banner Trophy that says "Just The Worst" on it. I blame JQuick, personally.

Boston Romans	197.5
Thankscrivens Dinner	217.2

Week one mercifully ends with a matchup of the two lowliest teams in the Roman Dinner. This Thankscrivens was served up with a lot of Greek, as they pulled out tight win over the avatar-less Boston Romans. Sidney Crosby laid an egg and Ovechkin only had a single game during the week, and Rome fell. As for Thankscrivens, Tuukka Rask... Boston Bruins... ugh.

Congratulations

It's award time, so let's see who stood out (and who wishes they could hide) for week 1.

Award	Team	Reason
Winner of the Week	Go Leafs Go All The Way	Posted league high 258.3 points.
Goaltender of the Week	Pray for Absolution	Henrik Lundqvist's 32 points.
Forward of the Week	Go Leafs Go All The Way	Patrick Kane's 35.5 points.
Defenseman of the Week	Thankscrivens Dinner	Dion Phaneuf's 24.4 points.
Just the Worst	TheBluePill Errections	Posted league low 174.9 points.